Part One – A Murder of Wheaty Proportions


A photo of the crime scene depicting Mr. Mini Wheats’ body, taken by the Satire Sleuths.

You often hear about the shadows of society, nearly invisible people who watch the world through dangerous eyes. Killers fascinate us; they captivate our attention through their horrid acts both in reality and in fiction through shows such as Criminal Minds. Today, a new faction of The Woodgrove Outlander arises to shed light on one such person. This is an investigation by the Satire Sleuths, and you are invited on a journey to discover the identity of Woodgrove’s first cereal killer. 

On December 3rd, the body of Mr. Mini Wheats, aged early 50s, was discovered in the display case near the library by Woodgrove History Teacher Mrs. Kate Corrado. “Great Scott! Once they got started they just didn’t stop. It was poorly planned, but persistently executed,” Corrado said in reference to what she had witnessed. She had reportedly been walking nearby when she heard a scuffle, and managed to catch a view of an unidentifiable suspect before they vanished around a corner.

Wheats had been stabbed twice with a pair of scissors which were left at the scene, starkly similar to a cold case from a few months ago. The victim, Frosted Flakes, aged late 60s, had been discovered sharing similar wounds as Wheats. Connecting the crumbs, it may very well have been the same person to have committed both murders. 

The first step in finding a killer is understanding their motive through examining the victims. Both Flakes and Wheats were older males with stable jobs and a wide social media presence. This would indicate that the unknown suspect, or unsub, is willing to take risks by choosing someone that many would notice missing. Looking further into the victims’ social media, people can see that they were active in marketing sugary cereals to younger audiences, which could provide a motive.

Woodgrove Junior Katrina Honcharik, a close friend of Wheats, speculated who she thinks could have done this. “Healthy natural food [activists] were particularly against him. I hope whoever did this gets caught and punished.” 

The school security officers have been quick at work to secure the crime scene. They reported to the Satire Sleuths that traces of flour had been found around Wheats’ body and fingerprints were present on the murder weapon. However, the prints matched nothing in the system, so the hunt continues. Woodgrove SRO Officer Funk said, “Well, it is still under investigation, so there’s limited information that I can release.” The officers have opened the scene to the public, in hopes that it will encourage students or teachers to come forward with information. 

Mrs. Corrado after witnessing the attack. (Provided by the Satire Sleuths).

This is not the last from the Satire Sleuths, as this segment will continue to cover the killer dubbed, The Sweet Saboteur.